Crossroads?

So, in a move that makes my life weirdly parallel with my friend Perlick’s, I’m at a bit of a crossroads. Essentially, the problem is that I don’t think I have a viable future at my current company – funding and staffing issues indicate that if I look at the long ball, the only project I want to work on isn’t going to get the money or the people required to turn it into the game it should be.

If it did – if I felt confident it had the force of the company behind it, I would stay. It has the potential to be something genre-defining. But I can’t convince myself that’ll be the case. It will languish without resources until the development process is hell on Earth. And though I’ve been getting along really well with the project lead, this is *my* game. It’s built on ideas I either cut from whole cloth, or sheperded into existence. And so it’s frustrating – not because of the lack of credit – I don’t really mind that all that much. It’s the fact that he’ll always have the final say on things, and I won’t. I know that’s petty, and the way the world works. But I also can’t ignore how frustrated I feel when he pulls the game in some bizarre direction, and I need to fight to get it back to something good.

It’s a fine dynamic, and we’re even working reasonably well together. But it’s about knowing at any minute he can do whatever he wants, and I’m essentially powerless to do anything about it. If I’m going to invest years of my life in something like this, I can’t invest what I *need* to invest in it with that feeling constantly looming over my head.

So I’m looking elsewhere. And the parallel to Perlick’s life is that the decision in front of me is a hands-on, hardcore development position at a company that has some interesting key players, or a “30,000 foot view” position at an established company. And I don’t know. Because I love the development process when it works well, but when it sucks, it really sucks, and for the last few years, it’s sucked a lot. Unfortunately, when it’s good, it’s euphoria. I just don’t have the confidence I’ll find a place where things can be sustainably good.

So maybe taking the non-development route is the chickenshit way out. At the same time, I’d be really, really good at it, and it’s something I really enjoy doing. The job essentially is what I’d *love* to have done as a consultant, but instead, it’s backed by a company, and instead of spending time trying to convince people that they need what I’d provide, they’re already looking for that input.

So the choice will undoubtedly have a huge impact on my career for the next few years. If a choice presents itself at all (the two positions are at different points in the process, and there’s the promise of an offer from one, but a little ways to go on the other). Maybe nothing will work out, and I’ll stick it out a little longer at the current gig. I dunno.

Just strange.

3 comments

  1. Perlick says:

    Dude, that is a strange parallel. Even more so, because your quote “maybe taking the non-development route is the chickenshit way out” exactly parallels similar thoughts I’ve been having – part of me wonders if the only reason I don’t want to try another management position again immediately is because I had such a miserable experience at my current position. And I feel like I should “get back on the horse”, but part of me wants to just take a break from it and go do something I’ll kick ass at to build up my confidence reserves again.

    Just remember, nothing’s irrevocable, so regardless of what you choose now, you can always choose the other one later. Or so I keep telling myself.

  2. helava says:

    I’m leaving this unedited, even though it’s now public, because even if MW sees this, I hope he recognizes it for what it was at the time. A lesson I learned that has made me a much, much better person than I was before. The tension and conflict between us was something he resolved in an absolutely *astonishing* way. He addressed it head-on, with respect (that I didn’t deserve at the time), and with restraint. He had every right to basically get me fired, and didn’t. It was one of the biggest revelations to me in the last 20 years – a.) that I was a real asshole, because I didn’t know how to deal with this kind of situation properly, and b.) there *was* a right way to deal with it. Honestly, forthrightly, and like a mature adult. This was a period I will never, ever forget, and one that I am deeply indebted to him for.

Leave a Reply